Bill Gates Meets His Programmer

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stands over him and says, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was beautiful and clean, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, yelled for God, told him his decision and was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.

Bill responded with a cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place...with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?"

"That was the demo," replied God.

Lotto Night

An observant Jew called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray: "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue: "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well. "Lotto night comes a second time and Jacob still has no luck! Back to the synagogue again, Jacob asks: "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself:

"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE....BUY A LOTTO TICKET."

Testing Children

     I was testing the children   in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

    I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,   had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

     " NO!" the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day,   Mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"  

    Again, the answer was, "NO!"  

    By now I was starting to smile.   Hey, this was fun! " Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy   to all the children,  and loved my husband, could that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.  

    Again, they all answered, "NO!"

    I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" 

Attitude

I would like to say thank you to Teresa Dycus for her contribution of

" Lotto Night " ,

to Doris Turman for her contribution of

" Testing Children ",

and to Janet Hedges for her contribution of

" Attitude ".

Contributions

If you have any clean Christian jokes, words of wisdom, etc. that you like to contribute send them to: WebMaster

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